Image In A Mirror
by can
Summary: Up through I Shrink Therefore I Am


Image In A Mirror By: Can (lucyc_23455@yahoo.com) Spoilers: Up to I Shrink Therefore I Am Rating: PG Disclaimer: I don't own them  
  
Many thanks to the two beta's who gave me a thumbs up on this one: gbbard and Neuroscpr. And thanks to DRD for directing me to the song for the title. Excerpt from the song "Snow Blind" by Styx  
  
Mirror, mirror, I confess.  
  
  
  
He sat in his quarters alone, cross legged on his bunk, his arms resting against his legs. The pulsations from Moya warmed him, his back against her walls.  
  
He was tired, so very tired. He could feel the stoppage of the adrenal flow as the drug wore off. He only wanted to sleep, but it wasn't an option for him. He had to work it out now before he endangered the crew again, remembering their most recent encounter with the bounty hunters.  
  
The crew was grateful for the rescue, but John felt he had acted irrationally many times, only to put them in greater danger. This was something they didn't know, encapsulated as they were, but he knew. He knew they could have easily died by his actions, yet they lived and thanked him for it.  
  
John couldn't accept this, but how could he tell them he was taking one of Granny's drugs? He felt guilt. Guilt for shunning Aeryn, for running away from the pain that he felt each and every time she crossed his path. Guilt..it haunted him now. He wasn't even the John Crichton who had been left behind anymore. He was someone who had forgotten everything that meant anything to him. He had given up and succumbed to Granny's ways because it was easier than fighting the ache he constantly felt in his heart.  
  
His thoughts reverted back to their victory over the Coreeshi and with this only came shame.  
  
D'Argo took his hand and shook it, saying, "I take back what I was thinking about you, Crichton. You came through for us, if not for that we would be dead or in the hands of the Scarrans."  
  
"Oh God, D'Argo. if only you knew!" John whispered, the remorse filling him, as he brought his hands up and covered his face. He only wanted to return to his former self. No drugs! Just John Crichton!  
  
"Why the hell does it have to be this way? Why can't I just accept things the way they are and get on with my life?" John groaned to an empty room, the anguish encompassing him, remembering why he had fallen so easily into Granny's grasp.  
  
John raised his head, his eyes burning in pain. 'Aeryn.' He felt the tears well up, completely lucid. 'Babe you were all I ever wanted, all I ever needed. How did it turn out so frelled?' He stared out at the empty room, knowing he was only talking to himself, the person needing to hear his words not there.  
  
John wrapped his arms around himself, holding on tightly, remembering all the warnings about drugs he was taught growing up. Laka may not be a drug from home, but he knew it was an equivalent and he had become the user, thinking he could stop whenever he wanted. John had increased the dosage to stop the constant ache and loneliness that consumed him. He had just wanted some moments of peace and he found them when he took the Laka.  
  
'I'm at double the original dose, when the frell will I need three times as much to get the same effect? Hell it doesn't even last as long anymore!' Sure it stopped the pain, but it also affected his judgment. He knew he couldn't go on this way or someone would surely die because of him and that he couldn't bear. He had taken too many chances this time, realizing it as the effects of the drug wore off.  
  
He thought about the haphazard way he had handled their containment, making jokes, in spite of the danger they were in. Perhaps he really wanted to be captured, where he couldn't be an equation for anyone anymore, setting Moya's crew free forever. Maybe destiny was finally catching up with him. Was he only fighting the inevitable?  
  
John hoped not, feeling despair settle over him, knowing the drug ruled him now. He had to find a way to stand on his own, without the Laka, without anyone finding out. He couldn't handle the others knowing.  
  
Aeryn had returned, but she had secrets she couldn't share with him, leaving John unsure of their relationship. She had too many demons of her own to fight, to give herself totally to him, and he tried to understand, but it didn't make the pain any easier to accept. He knew he had to do this on his own.  
  
'I love you guys, but I can't let you know about this. It's my own problem, one I should have known better than to give into.' John felt totally alone. "Damn you Granny!"  
  
  
  
xxxxx  
  
"Crichton! Answer me!" D'Argo shouted through the comms. "We need you in command, now!"  
  
John wakened to the harshness of D'Argo voice, confused. He eased himself up from the bed and placed his feet on the deck of his cell, trying to clear his mind of the cobwebs. Finding his voice, he replied groggily, "What is it D?" He asked running his fingers through his hair.  
  
"Crichton it's about time you got your eema out of bed! We have a lot of repairs to make on Moya after the bounty hunters! We need you in command!" D'Argo shouted, worried about the carrier Moya picked up on her scanners.  
  
D'Argo's voice brought John to full awareness. "D'Argo, give me a minute or two. I'll join you as soon as I.."  
  
"Now John!" D'Argo commanded, the urgency of his words not lost on him.  
  
"Be right there," John replied, clumsily searching for his boots, still feeling tired. He found the boots and slowly put them on, trying to delay the inevitable. The reality from the previous night still weighed heavily on his shoulders. He knew this would be the day of reckoning for him, dreading it even though he knew it had to come sooner or later.  
  
'Maybe if I just go back to bed and shut the comms off, they'll leave me alone,' John thought to himself, chuckling, trying to relieve the tension he felt. It didn't work as the dark cloud came over him as it did everyday. He reached for the Laka immediately, this time only to twirl it around in his fingers, yearning for it, the want and need building.  
  
"Frell me!" John shouted, throwing it to the floor, burying it under his boot. "No more Granny! Thanks but no thanks!" John buried his face in his hands, the flashes of the past slicing through his memories once again.  
  
John took a deep breath and cleared his mind. He rose to his feet, deciding to take it a step at a time. 'I can do this,' he thought to himself, as ready as he was ever going to be to join the rest of the crew.  
  
xxxxx  
  
  
  
D'Argo told them all the damage that had to be repaired on the Leviathan.  
  
John chose the jobs that could be done alone. He didn't trust himself to be paired with anyone right now. John didn't know how his body would react to the lack of the drug, hence only wanting to work by himself.  
  
The rest of the crew looked at him with questioning eyes, knowing this was strange for the human, but then again they all knew he hadn't been acting like himself since they had found him on Elack. They quickly dismissed him heading off to their own repairs.  
  
D'Argo was the only one who sensed something was wrong, stopping John before he could exit command. "John, what is it, this isn't like you." The Luxan said in a quiet voice. "There is only you and me now. The others are gone. Talk to me."  
  
John hesitated, his head down, feeling D'Argo was sincere. He wavered for a microt, undecided on whether he wanted to talk about it. John glanced over his shoulder, seeing the concern in his friend. John turned away, laying his hands on the wall, dropping his head again. He wanted to confide in someone, but he didn't want the pity he saw in D'Argo's eyes. Looking up at the ceiling of the Leviathan, John replied painfully, "Not now D, maybe later." He left command, never looking back.  
  
xxxxx  
  
John had successfully completed his first job. He had stopped the leakage from the first conduit, feeling more like himself again. The jovial John was returning as he shouted into his comms, "Ok, guys, first nexus leak finished, onto the other eight. How are you guys doing?"  
  
"Making progress Crichton," Chiana replied, happy that John was sounding more like himself. "Aeryn and I are almost finished here. Want some help when we are done?"  
  
"Naw Chiana, a piece of cake here. You guys just finish up and head back to command. I've got this under control," John replied, entering the room for the next job. "I'll meet you there."  
  
D'Argo was monitoring the conversations, relieved to hear the levity in John's voice. "Pilot says the systems are starting to function again. In a few more arns we will be able to starburst."  
  
"Glad to hear it D! Tell Moya we should be finished soon," John replied, picking up the tools he needed. The next repair went off without a hitch as the other six did.  
  
With each repair he felt a little more sluggish, but didn't think too much about it attributing it to the amount of work he had done.  
  
John was on his last repair of the day, when without warning, he felt suddenly sick and drained of all energy. His hands started shaking uncontrollably as he picked up the wrench. "Steady now," he said struggling to get the use of his limbs back, the sweat pouring off his face. John set the wrench on the deck until the shaking stopped. He picked it up again and proceeded with the repairs at hand, entering the duct determined to finish the last job.  
  
John held the tool up to the coupling, unable to get a grasp on it, the tremors starting again. "Frell!" John shouted inside the duct, trying to get his shaking limbs under control, feeling he was losing the battle. "Don't do this to me now!"  
  
John hoped he was finally winning, only to be fooled again, realizing the lack of the drug in his system was wreaking havoc on him. "Please not now," John whispered to himself as if he was praying for some divine intervention, only to find none.  
  
Lying on his back he felt his early morning breakfast threaten to reappear. John quickly pulled himself out of the duct, only to feel himself meet the deck hard, losing his footing. Pulling himself up to lean against the duct, John broke out in a cold sweat, shivering, the room swimming before him. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back, hoping when he opened them the dizziness would be gone. If he couldn't finish the job he at least wanted to make it back to his quarters without help.  
  
D'Argo's voice came over the comms, startling John for a moment. "Damn!" John said under his breath, fumbling to reach his. "What's up D?" He asked trying to sound normal, but didn't know how successful he was, alternating between hot and cold sweats now.  
  
"Moya is ready, John. You can finish the rest of the repairs later," D'Argo replied. "We'll wait until you reach command, and then Pilot will engage starburst."  
  
John could barely keep his head up, wanting only to reach his quarters and crawl into bed. "Umm.D.don't expect me there. I'm kinda.tired. I'll be in my quarters."  
  
D'Argo didn't like the way he sounded, as he turned to Aeryn and Chiana and saw the concerned looks on their faces.  
  
"Sounds to me like something isn't right with John, D'Argo," Aeryn said, her brow furrowed, wondering about the change in him in such a short time.  
  
"I agree, Aeryn," D'Argo replied, tapping his comm again. "John, are you okay?" The Luxan asked, waiting patiently for him to answer.  
  
John slowly rose to his feet, holding onto the duct for stability, the room still spinning. He closed his eyes again and opened them trying to refocus. Every muscle in his body ached reminding him of the times he had gotten the flu back home. John chuckled to himself, "If only that was it! God this is worse!" He was holding his midsection, the pain worse in that area, taking his breath away. John couldn't even find enough air left in him to answer D'Argo.  
  
Chiana grew tired of waiting, apprehensive at John's lack of response. "I'm going down there!" She said, starting toward the exit.  
  
"No Chiana! If anyone goes it will be me," D'Argo said harshly, knowing all this time something was wrong. The only mistake he made was not pushing the issue. Softening his voice he continued, "It has to be me, Chiana."  
  
Chiana stopped in midstep and turned to the Luxan. "Why?"  
  
"Just trust me Chiana.Aeryn. John would not want either of you with him right now," D'Argo replied. "Aeryn take over in command. I will call you when I have him safely back in his quarters. then starburst." Pride was all the human had left. If there was any way to preserve it, D'Argo would. It was the least he could do for his friend.  
  
"What do you know, D'Argo?" Aeryn asked, her tone accusing.  
  
"Not now Aeryn," D'Argo replied trotting to the exit. "Let me tend to him first, then I will tell you want I think. One more thing.don't say a word to the old woman about this!"  
  
xxxxx  
  
John had passed out near the exit by the time D'Argo reached him. He knelt beside the human and carefully picked him up, shaking his head. "What have you done to yourself my friend? Nothing is worth this."  
  
John groaned slightly as he felt himself lifted from the deck. He opened his eyes slightly and saw D'Argo through the slits. "Aw. no man," he croaked. Just talking hurt too much. "Didn't.want.anyone...  
  
"Enough, John. I know, just relax. I'm taking you to your cell," D'Argo replied in a soothing voice, watching his friend nod off to sleep again.  
  
D'Argo reached John's quarters and laid him carefully on the bed, covering him with the blankets. Staring down at the sleeping figure, with only sadness in his heart, he gave the order, "Starburst now!"  
  
xxxxx  
  
Finding themselves in another part of the Unchartered Territories and no threats in site, Aeryn commed D'Argo, "Tell me what is wrong with John!"  
  
"Aeryn, I don't think it's anything you are ready for tonight. Let me handle this for now, we will talk tomorrow," D'Argo replied, reaching for a chair and settling himself close to John's cot. 'Old woman, what have you done?' D'Argo sighed, staring at his friend.  
  
D'Argo constantly tended to John, watching him throw off the blankets when he became hot and then the shivering, when D'Argo would pull the blankets over him again. John murmured many things D'Argo didn't understand, but two things stood out in his mind as John thrashed among the covers, Grayza and Aeryn. D'Argo dropped his head as these two names fell from John's lips.  
  
Grayza was a ghost of John's past but Aeryn was part of his life again. D'Argo felt both of them were the reason he had taken the drug, watching the human as he curled up in a ball of pain.  
  
John opened his eyes slightly. "D.I.I think.I'm .gonna be..sick," John whispered. Before D'Argo could react John retched, catching part of the bed along with D'Argo and the deck.  
  
D'Argo jumped from his seat, looking down at his boots. "Oh frell John! Couldn't you have warned me sooner?" D'Argo asked, backing away in case it happened again. "Frell," D'Argo said again under his breath, wondering who was going to clean up the mess, especially the bed, since John hadn't escaped it either.  
  
"Sorry.D," John replied, struggling with his words, his eyes burning with regret. "Sorry.about.everything."  
  
D'Argo calmed himself as he looked into John eyes, finally realizing the toll this had taken on him. He often forgot John was human, not used to this universe and its ways as they were. It was time for patience again, and a time for his friend to heal without the fear of capture. D'Argo knew this was something that always haunted John. He could never overcome his problems if the fear remained.  
  
Lifting John carefully from the bed, D'Argo sat him in the chair he had just vacated. D'Argo tucked the blanket around the shivering figure as he lowered himself into John's line of vision. "John, I need to clean the bed and I'm not very good at these things," D'Argo said, lowering his head, his arms gripping the side of the chair. Looking up he continued, "I am going to call Aeryn to help me."  
  
John reached up quickly, only to fail when he tried to grasp D'Argo's clothes, his head falling into the Luxan's chest, his mobility impeded. "Please D, don't do that," he whispered, sucking in air. D'Argo lifted John's head quickly and saw the panic in his eyes.  
  
D'Argo understood, but he knew it was time for all the hurt to end if they ever expected to get on with their lives. They needed to be one if they hoped to survive all this universe threw at them. "Trust me, John. and Aeryn Sun, like you used to. Without that we cannot survive," D'Argo said softly. "She has made her mistakes as you have, but she does love you."  
  
All of the walls John set up to shield himself from Aeryn were crumbling in this microt. He dissolved into tears, feeling like a little boy again, not wanting his mother to see his weaknesses. He couldn't bear the thought of Aeryn judging him.  
  
John pleaded with D'Argo. "I don't. want. Aeryn to see. me like this." His breath was coming in short gasps, labored from the withdrawal. "She'll.never see me the same..way again."  
  
"And what way is that John? She will see you for who you are now, not the old John Crichton who couldn't survive here without changing, but for the man you are now. That is the way she needs to see you," D'Argo stated, seeing how much he had changed in four cycles. "You can't hide forever." D'Argo rose from his knees, leaning over John, tucking the blanket securely around his shoulders.  
  
John leaned his head back. His eyes were staring at the empty space, not knowing what he could say to D'Argo to change his mind. Part of him knew what the Luxan said was true, but he still didn't want to chance Aeryn only having pity for him, it would hurt too much.  
  
"John?" D'Argo asked, seeing his fixated stare.  
  
"I'm fine D'Argo," John answered, rolling his head to the side and closing his eyes. He had started shaking again, feeling a burning sensation in his gut. John pulled the covers tighter and rode out the newest wave of discomfort, until it finally subsided allowing him to drop off the sleep.  
  
D'Argo waited until he was sure John was sleeping, opening his comms. "Aeryn, come to John's quarters and please bring some sheets and blankets." He hated doing this against John's will, but he also knew he needed help, not having the patience to deal with sickness. D'Argo hoped that John and Aeryn could accept the changes in both of them, as they helped John recover.  
  
xxxxx  
  
He woke, finding himself in his bed, sweating under the blankets that had been piled on him. John lifted his arms, weakly pushing all he could away from him. He felt as if he was suffocating, the nausea rising in him again. 'Not this time.' The thought rushed through his mind, fighting to get out of the bed. John swung his legs out, only for them to become entangled in the blankets, falling to the floor, head first. John caught himself with his hands before his head hit the deck, pulling his legs behind him.  
  
The commotion woke Aeryn, startled by the noise. She looked to the bed, hearing the grunt, only to see him lying on the floor. "John. what the frell are you doing?" Aeryn asked, quickly rising from her seat to kneel beside him. She noticed the paleness in his face even in the dim light. "What is it?" She asked, concerned, stroking her hand over his cheek.  
  
"Sick.," John replied, feeling his stomach ready to heave at any moment.  
  
Aeryn, understanding, quickly helped him to his feet. She felt his quivering body against hers as she helped him to the water closet. Aeryn held him tightly, turning her head as he began to expel the poison from his body.  
  
John clutched the basin, his fingers turning white, sicker than the first time. It seemed to continue on forever, coming in spurts, finally subsiding. John was exhausted now, losing his grip on the basin, collapsing to his knees. Aeryn had tried to hold onto him, but his dead weight was too much for her. She quickly got a new grasp on him, keeping him from slamming against the basin.  
  
"John, easy now," Aeryn said, wiping the sweat from his face. "Let me know when you feel strong enough to return to bed. We'll do it together."  
  
John leaned his head against the basin, relishing the coolness of the metal, waiting for his stomach to settle along with the spinning room. His eyes were closed as he answered. "Aeryn..I didn't..want you.t.to.. see me like...." He couldn't stop the tears that escaped from the corner of his eyes, trickling down the sides of his face. He never wanted this.  
  
Aeryn heard the pain in his voice, her heart aching for the man she only wanted to love. She knew she had caused him unbearable pain when she left, but she was back, for him. Before D'Argo left, he had explained everything to her and the fact that John didn't want her here. It was time she proved her love for him.  
  
She repositioned herself, sitting on the floor of the closet, turning John around to hold him in her arms in front of her, pulling a blanket over them. Aeryn wrapped her arms around him, tightly, leaning his head back against her shoulder, relishing his familiar scent. She tilted her head, leaning her face against his cheek, her own tears sprinkling before her eyes, hugging him closely to her. "Shhh.John. I know and I'm still here," she said, turning his head towards her face. She lightly kissed him on the forehead then gazed into his eyes. "You are the only man I want and I don't care what you've gotten yourself into.I love you. We'll get through this together like we always have."  
  
John rested his head against her cheek, pulling his body closer, the chill starting to enter his bones. He radiated in her warmth, savoring the moment she allowed him. It had been so long since John had felt safe and secure; he had almost forgotten what it felt like. He wanted so desperately to open his heart to Aeryn, but he couldn't handle it if she left him again. No matter what she said, it was always in the back of his mind, causing him to keep her at a distance.  
  
"Aeryn.I." John started, Aeryn cutting him off quickly.  
  
"No John, for once let me talk," Aeryn stated, leaving no room for argument. "In spite of what you think, I'm not leaving. Moya is my home, the only place I could ever call home." Lowering her voice, she continued softy, "and you, John Crichton, are the only man I have ever loved. I will never leave you again."  
  
John opened his mouth to speak, Aeryn covering it with her hand. "Not now John," she said tenderly cupping his chin in her hand and lifting it to meet her lips. She stopped a few inches from his, feeling his warm breath on her skin.  
  
John's heart was pounding in his chest; the longing in him stirred again, his heart filled with hope and love. He reached behind her head and pulled her closer, their lips meeting, the passion filling both of them. Several microts later, John pulled away, breathing heavily. Aeryn smiled as she watched his chest rise and fall quickly.  
  
John saw the grin on her face. "It's not what.you think," John said trying to suppress his own smile, knowing Aeryn had literally taken his breath away.  
  
Aeryn snickered slightly. "Come on John, time to get you back to bed," Aeryn replied, getting to her feet. She reached down and eased him up from the deck, wrapping his arm around her shoulder for support. She guided him back and helped him get settled. "Are you hungry yet?" Aeryn asked, pulling the chair next to the bed, wanting to be closer to him.  
  
"I don't think my stomach could take it right now," John replied, feeling light hearted again, leaning his head on his propped arm. He started picking at the bed, nervously, not sure what to say next. John wanted to laugh out loud, 'who'd believe it, for once the human was at a loss for words!'  
  
Aeryn recognized the movement. She knew John was uneasy so she asked the question he expected. "Can you tell me why, John?" She reached over and ran her hand along his arm, not wanting him to feel pressured.  
  
John took her hand in his, laying back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. "Weakness.loneliness.I don't know. It was just easier," John replied, his voice barely audible, knowing he had wasted so much of himself with the Laka. He didn't want to think about this, not after his few minutes of happiness with Aeryn.  
  
Aeryn could hear it in his voice. The pain was still there. She regretted it now, the subject still too fresh in his mind. It was better to wait for another time she decided, as she rose to her feet. She leaned over him as she brushed the wet hair away from his face. "Let's forget it for now, John," she said, planting her lips on his again to silence him.  
  
When she drew away, both of them were smiling. "Aeryn there is something you can do. I'm getting awfully cold again," John said, lifting the blankets, his eyes welcoming.  
  
Aeryn's smile was now mingled with the tears that were slowly cascading down her face. "I thought you would never ask," she said softy, joining him, her body resting against his. As she felt his arms encompass her she only had three words. "I love you."  
  
John's heart was full now. The loneliness gone, feeling whole again. Her love was his missing link and now he had that. He held her tightly to him, never wanting to let go. "I love you, Aeryn Sun." 


End file.
